Abandoned

I am a mess. Today was our first day back to our Bible study at Hope Pres. Now that we are Mothers of Toddlers, the babies must go to the nursery while the moms meet.

When I step back from the emotions of the moment (in my rational mind), I am happy for this time with just mommies so that I can have real, meaningful discussions with my friends and really be able to get something from the study. And I know that I am extremely lucky to have not had to put Helen Grace in daycare before now and that she has always been able to stay with her grandparents when we have other plans. And I also know that it’s great for HG to have some time away from me to help with the separation anxiety and develop her social skills with other kids. I mean, the child has to leave my side and go to school at some point, right?

But in the moment this morning and still right now in this moment, I don’t want her to go to the nursery- I want her with me!

When we got there this morning, we walked into a room of crying babies, and I was totally confused on how the process worked. Ms. Wendy (who I’m sure is very nice and knowledgeable but I know nothing about other than her first name is Wendy- and that’s only because Jessica shared that with me) holds out her hands and Helen Grace goes to her pretty easily. She asks quickly what and when she might like for snacktime and then ushers me out the door. Since HG was calm and happy, I turned and quickly walked away to avoid any drama. I enjoyed our meeting and had fun visiting with everyone. I heard from a friend or two that checked on their little ones that HG was happy in her room and carrying around a baby doll, so I felt good. And then I went to pick her up. As I approached the room, there was another mom standing at the door, so I stepped over to the window, trying to get my eyes on HG. Then I see her, standing at Ms. Wendy’s feet (because she’s holding another baby) and crying hysterically- so much so that snot is running down her face and she’s covered in red splotches (I have never seen these splotches on her before- that is how upset she is). She is clasping a baby doll like her life depends on it, and the pink bow on her shoe has come undone. She looks so so pitiful and like her mama has abandoned her. In my fit to get to her, I’m worried that I pushed the other mom out of the doorway- I’m hoping that’s just a dramatization in my mind- but it was an instantaneous “I have to scoop up my baby girl in my arms and make this right” feeling. Ms. Wendy said that she did fine the whole time, but they all lost it when moms started coming to pick up other babies.

Shame on me for staying afterward and catching up with friends when my child was crying because she wanted ME. Again, I know I’m crazy and irrational right now, but I feel such guilt for making her feel that way and being so upset. She cried the whole way out to the car, and then I got a sippy cup of milk going and that helped a little but she wouldn’t touch any food. She didn’t calm down completely for 20 minutes or so, and she literally hasn’t left my side all day.

Now I have seen my child cry- and cry a lot- when she doesn’t get her way, when we leave a grandparent, when she’s hurt- but I have never experienced her crying because of something that I have made her feel. It is a very sad feeling because I know that she has to go through this to learn and grow and become more independent- which I absolutely want her to be as a young woman- but in this moment, it is hurting me- and her. On the other hand, children only want their mamas for such a brief time in their life that I want to be there for all of the wanting that I can be while it lasts. Being a parent is HARD! I just want to blink and it be a month from now and past this hurdle. Next week, it will our group’s turn to work in the nursery, so I hope that my being able to be in closer proximity to her with help both of us, and you better believe it that I’ll be the first one running out of our class to get there to pick her up early so she doesn’t ever feel abandoned again.

I had hoped to get a pic of her all cute before we got there, but that didn’t happen. And then she was such a hot mess afterward that this pitiful pic is all I got of her today. Milk and Lovie go a long way to making her feel happier though.